A comprehensive list of things which I received for Christmas.

Herein is a gathering of data points which you may use to assemble a mental image of the things I am interested in, or which others think I am interested in, or which others found on sale, or which I had outright insisted that others buy for me.

THINGS WHICH I AM INTERESTED IN

1. A book about the laying of the first trans-Atlantic cable

2. The new Wodehouse biography (this book is a real zinger)

3. A large basket full of fancy Italian condiments and pasta etc.

4. A complete set of all Hardy Boys books, many of which are first editions. They have that great cabin-like smell.

5. A new sketchbook

6. A new easel, so that my lap no longer suffers the errant brush.

7. A little airplane-size bottle of Jägermeister.

THINGS WHICH PEOPLE THOUGHT I MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN

1. A "baby starter kit" which contains numerous oils, salves, powders, wipey-cloths, mild soaps, etc. The whole basket smells like a nice baby. There might be a baby under there somewhere, for all I know.

2. A magnetic stud finder, to help you (me) locate wall studs for the purpose of installing shelving etc. This was given to me because I recently installed a set of shelves which fell down and nearly killed the dog.

THINGS WHICH PEOPLE FOUND ON SALE AND GAVE TO ME

1. This enormous gray jacket two sizes too large

2. Seals & Crofts Greatest Hits

THINGS WHICH I INSISTED WERE BOUGHT FOR ME

1. Dozens of pairs of matching black socks. I throw all my old socks away during December of every year, and therefore my wife has to buy me new pairs for Christmas. They have to match so that we never need to sort them. Sorting socks is really beneath all but the Untouchable caste, I feel.

THINGS I DID NOT RECEIVE BECAUSE I DID NOT MAKE A CHRISTMAS LIST

1. Metallica, "And Justice For All." I am not some kind of heavy metal person, but anyone who appreciates music must admit that this is the genre's equivalent of Rubber Soul, One Step Beyond, Substance 1987, etc.

2. A tea mug which is larger than the usual type of tea mug, which is probably around 10 oz. I wanted something more like 20 oz., but did not discover this until early in the morning on December 24th, when I had tea for the first time in about seven years. Ten ounces of tea is really a pretty small amount of tea. Did you know that "green tea" is the flavor of tea you get in a Chinese restaurant?

3. All the Clash albums, which were stolen out of my car a few years back. I am still angry about this. The Clash would have wanted me to be angry, and to have taken action, but I did not take action. I am 1 for 2, The Clash.