I thought I'd get out and stretch my legs a bit today, so I dressed in fancy exercise-type sports pants and walked around the town. I walked for about forty uneventful minutes with a little local newspaper, reading stories and facts from the "knowitall" section. Did you know that West Virginia has the lowest crime rate of any US State? Maybe it's because what we consider crimes, West Virginians consider routine acts of procreation and natural selection. Did you know that there are only seven Starbucks in all of West Virginia? Not that California is any shining example of cultural evolution, but we have 1,551 Starbucks. I feel much more comfortable living in a state where douchebags are never more than five miles from a seven dollar cup of coffee. I feel that much less likely to get shot off the back of my free-thinking friend's chopper by a good old boy with a shotgun, even though the closest I ever get to riding on a chopper is sitting in my friend's '97 Camry, and the closest I ever get to free thinking is checking my PayPal account.
Oh, that's the thing I was trying to think of. Our little comics venture has shipped merchandise to 49 of 50 US states — who's missing from the US equation? West Virginia. I know there are colleges there, because both Don Knotts and Billy Crystal got their diplomas in WV. If you live in WV and order something from our shop, I will personally see to it that we throw in a little something extra. I'd like to shade your state in, on that little inkjet printout of US Sales Distribution which I have tacked above my pillow on the headboard.
After I was done fretting about West Virginia I wandered in to Best Buy, this normal electronics/appliance chain. I have been looking for a good flat panel monitor lately and there was a pretty good deal on one there so I ordered it. Then on the way home I noticed little airplane bottles of Absolut in the weeds/bushes at the side of the sidewalk every five-to-twenty feet. I counted about twelve Absolut bottles in all, then there was a little airplane-size Jack bottle, then I was at the corner gas station. It seemed like someone or some small group of people had bought approximately twelve little bottles of Absolut, and one little bottle of Jack, and drank them while heading down the street away from the gas station. I can only guess that this is what happened. Either that or some person bought a single airplane bottle of the booze every day and tossed it on the way home. I know that it wasn't me because I work at home and can buy Absolut in larger bottles.
Anyhow, I felt great after my walk. I had a little bit of energy and I also felt like I had unearthed a lousy mystery.